by Garrison Frost

Computers aren't tough, and neither are the people who operate them. I work with computers every day. I'm not particularly tough, and I don't know a lot of tough guys who use computers.

You never see action movies where guys with computers rush in and save everybody. If one guy were to pull a gun and the other a laptop, we all know who would win.

But that's not to say that computers don't sound tough. In fact, somebody who didn't know anything about computers would probably think they were the baddest things on the planet.

For instance, that little box inside my computer that holds all my programs is called the "hard drive." That sounds tough. It's hard and it drives. Sounds like a Ford Bronco.

And you know your hard drive is better when it has lots of "bytes." The more bytes the better. And byte is a tough word, or at least it sounds like one. It sounds like "bites," something a shark does. And sounds even badder when it comes after "mega-" or "giga-." A "gigabyte" is something to reckon with.

In fact, although memory isn't an inherently tough concept, computer operators have found a way to make it sound pretty badass. Random access memory doesn't sound intimidating until it's abbreviated to "RAM." Now that's tough.

The computer world is full of tough-sounding terms. For example, a better computer is never called a better computer. Rather, a better computer is "faster" or "more powerful." It has more RAM or more hertz, a lot more mega-something. A bad computer is "slow."

We don't just start our computer, we "boot" it. We connect things to it, not just with a wire, but with a "firewire." We don't just put things on it, we "download" things.

There are computers that are just computers and others that form "networks," like the mob. There's also the "hub," which sound industrial, and the "system bus." Heaven help you if you ever get into an accident with the system bus.

You can also get a "Zip-drive." It doesn't zip anywhere, and it has no zipper, but it gets that name.

A laptop doesn't sound that tough, but a "Powerbook," well, that's for me. I don't just want a book, I want one with power.

Printers don't sound particularly intimidating, but then what do we make of an "ink jet"? That sounds kind of scary. But even that takes a backseat compared to the "laser printer," which sounds like something out of a Bond movie. "Give me the information, Mr. Bond, or I will subject you to the laser printer!"

When cars break down, they just roll to a stop. When microwave ovens break, they just stop cooking. When computers break, however, they "crash." My Macintosh displays a little bomb symbol when something really goes wrong.

The ultimate enemy of a computer is the "virus," which sounds like something out of the "Andromeda Strain," but really is just a programming thing, a bunch of ones and zeros. In order to fight this type of thing, we use a bunch of other ones and zeros, but we call it an "antivirus." To protect against future problems, we may even install a "firewall." That sounds really tough, but not as tough as our "surge suppresser."

It's no wonder that "CD-ROMS" are so popular. They sound like something in a Godzilla movie.

Of course, the computer world still has its less-intimidating words, such as "joystick," "software" and "mouse." But it won't be long before these are replaced with tougher-sounding alternatives.

(Feb. 15, 2003)

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