by Garrison Frost

Following weeks of airstrikes and battles in icy, rugged terrain near the North Pole, the soldiers of Operation Twinkle Twinkle are still no closer to locating Santa Claus, whom is wanted for questioning by American officials for possible ties to terrorism.

"There's no telling how extensive is his network of caves, igloos and cute Alpine villages," said a senior Pentagon official.

Although Santa Claus has not been directly linked to any terrorist activities – and is in fact known to be quite jolly – officials with the Justice Department say they want to question the Arctic strongman about his extensive international "spying and distribution network."

"This is a guy who operates without regard to national boundaries or laws," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "He apparently has access to a great deal of intelligence about everyone's behavior, and his "little helpers" follow his orders without question."

There has been no official word from Claus since the first American assault, but CIA officials have authenticated a video, first broadcast on Al-Jazeera, depicting the bearded leader telling elves that Rumsfeld, Ashcroft and President Bush had been moved from the "nice" list to the "naughty" list.

Fear that Claus might use his network for terrorism – and the widespread understanding that he usually picks up his activities during the winter months – prompted U.S. officials to take preemptive action in November.

"If we don't show our resolve and take bold action today, we may regret it tomorrow," President Bush said in an address to the nation in October.

Although U.S. intelligence has failed to produce evidence that Santa Claus has embraced any of the violent tendencies of Osama Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein, they do point to his record of giving gifts to just about everyone. Ashcroft this week confirmed that the United States will take a firm stand against anyone giving material support to terrorists.

"We know that Mr. Claus in 1993 gave Osama Bin Laden a necktie with little gold stars on it that played "Deck the Halls" when anyone pulled on it," Ashcroft said. "He is also on record as giving one of Hussein's granddaughters a Barbie."

It was initially predicted that the North Pole operation would be an easy one, and in fact President Bush rode a sleigh into an army base in Alaska after only a week to declare the end of combat operations. However, troops in the region have since been subjected to daily attacks by diminutive locals armed with hard candy, dart guns and high-powered water pistols.

Although administration officials told the United Nations that they had reason to believe Claus had large stores of fairy dust and weapons grade peppermint which he could deploy on minutes' notice, inspectors have yet to find these materials, and have so far produced only a few boxes of toys guns and rubber band slingshots.

While U.S. allies have called for the occupation of the North Pole to come to a speedy end, all efforts to bring self-rule to the elves have proved unsuccessful. Secretary of State Colin Powell acknowledged Friday at the U.S.-appointed Leadership Council has accomplished little more than goodhearted mischief and recipes for warm cider.

Recent Pentagon briefings have been replete with solemn reminders that the search for the North Pole dictator could be a protracted affair. Rumsfeld today noted that many of his elves are battle-hardened veterans of Claus' 10-year war against the Easter Bunny in the 1980s.

As support for the war dwindles at home and abroad, many observers speculate that unless Claus is captured soon, the issue could spill over into the 2004 elections, needless to say holiday shopping.

More and more, Democratic presidential candidates are criticizing Bush for his handling of the war, and small children everywhere are refusing to even look at their vegetables pending a full military pullout.

Administration officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, have expressed fear that the president's poll numbers could drop even further if Santa Claus is captured and brought before a military tribunal as an "enemy combatant."

The Tooth Fairy, a senior fellow at the conservative Brookings Institute, said that she has already seen the backlash among key GOP constituents.

"I'm seeing a lot of outrage among kids that Santa won't receive a trial in open court," Fairy said. "And if the government finds itself hauling in every old man with a white beard it can get its hands on for questioning, well that's probably a worst case scenario for the president going into his reelection campaign."

(Dec. 19, 2003)

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