Hello, you've reached the White House, official residence of our super victorious President George W. Bush. The president is currently looking for other enemies to vanquish and battling those softy Democrats who just want to take your hard-earned tax money and spend it on programs to get your children pregnant and help terrorists. Please listen carefully to the following selections and make your choices quickly or, as Rummy says, we'll come and getcha.

If you're a major corporation looking for a giant government contract or tax break, please press 1.

If you're a cheesy television evangelist hoping to expand operations into newly conquered Iraq, press 2.

If you're a right-wing talk show host looking for an interview, or just a few nasty things to say on air about the French, press 3.

If you're an oil company executive looking for a way to plunder America's natural resources, press 4.

If you make more than $200,000 a year and want to know how the president's proposed tax cut will help you get more money from people who earn less than you, press 5.

If you want to know how we're using your fear of terrorism to put pressure on "other" people (you know the ones we mean), please press 7.

And, if you're poor, out of work, exploited, or care about how the president's policies will diminish the world in which our children grow up, stay on the line and you will promptly be disconnected.

And thanks for calling the White House, where the people who brought you the war call home.

(May 3, 2003)

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