Leave the Hummer at home. It is easier to parallel park a battleship.

Don't bother asking locals to divulge their secret spots. Find your own.

Don't pack the car with more stuff than you're willing to carry on a long walk.

Bring change.

At noon, on a Monday holiday during the summer ... don't bother.

When they say tow-away zone, they mean it.

Taking two spaces to ensure that no one can park close enough to your expensive car to scratch it is certain to bring about the result you fear most.

People get pissed when you circle a neighborhood, or sit in one place and idle, waiting for a space to open up. This isn't the mall.

If you plan to roll the dice and block someone's driveway, plan on a new paint job, new tires, dent repair and never parking in that neighborhood again.

Put a sun shade in your windshield. Planting your bare skin on searing seats isn't a joy. Neither are a 250 degree interior and a red hot steering wheel.

Just in case you're curious, that guy fiddling in his trunk isn't leaving.

Finish the coffee at Starbucks. Navigating tight parking spots with a giant mocha latte frappa-something in your hand is not a good idea, especially given the number of pricey rides you don't want to dent/scratch.

Don't get all impatient with the surfers who set their boards down in the empty parking space next to their truck while they get out of their wetsuits. They're going as fast as they can.

Grab the first decent spot you see. Those who obsess over the perfect parking spot are guaranteed to spend more time in their car than on the beach.

When the rich yuppie tells you that the open space on the street in front of his mansion is reserved for his family, tell him to fuck himself.

Leave the trailer at home. Trying to find a space big enough for your truck and your trailer is a fantasy. Actually achieving that fantasy is just insulting to everyone else.

(Sept. 17, 2005)

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