We -- a peaceful people who have simply had enough -- submit the following demands. If these are not met immediately, we will be forced to complain more.

• Old Navy must immediately stop all television advertising.
• Somebody must explain the local Channel 13 news broadcast.
• People wishing to purchase a sport utility vehicle must submit in writing why a regular car will not fit their actual driving needs.
• Hawthorne Boulevard must be made less shitty in all respects.
• The next time there's a big local runoff election, at least one candidate must be someone we feel comfortable voting for.
• Ben Affleck must not be allowed to make any more movies.
• In-N-Outs must be made just as prevalent as McDonalds.
• The Lakers must draft or trade for a decent center and point guard.
• The government must demonstrate that – unlike on the Fox series "24" – it assigns more than, say, nine people to respond to major national security crises involving international terrorists, reactor meltdowns, threats against the president and missiles with arms nuclear warheads.
• The national press must relinquish its constitutional protections if it contributes any more resources to stories about people using severed fingers to extort money from fast food restaurants or calling 911 to avoid getting married.
• Someone somewhere must admit publicly that Jessica Simpson's vocal style is, in fact, an elaborate practical joke that went horribly, horribly wrong.
• Right-wing AM talk radio must be eliminated and banned forever (in compensation, similar action will be taken against left-wing AM talk radio and "The West Wing.")
• Hal Fishman must be stopped – just stopped.

(May 18,2005)

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