by Garrison Frost

This is an election year, and as usual, voters in the South Bay and beyond will have the final say on any number of proposed tax increases. These proposed taxes would fund things that our current taxes don't pay for, keep us from doing bad things, or reverse the damage of the bad things we do. If the past is any indication, voters will reject most of these tax proposals. But something tells me that if the following proposals were on the ballot, they would pass with flying colors:

Cell phone tax: People who uses their cell phones in crowded places, such as the supermarket, must pay a percentage of their monthly bill into a special fund that pays for earplugs for everyone else.

McMansion tax: Homeowners would pay $1 for every square foot above 10,000 square feet in their single family residential home, with the revenue to fund neighborhood modesty training programs. Walton Exception applies to any family with more than eight members.

FrappaCuppoMochaCino tax: A percentage of every fancy coffee drink will go toward paper cup recycing and caffeine dependency programs.

Beach tax: Homeowners who live within one mile of the water must pay a percentage of their assessed value if they cannot demonstrate that they have actually been to the beach in the last calendar year. Proceeds will fund low-interest mortgage loans to people who care more about interacting with nature than about property values and status ZIP codes.

Underground tax: Anyone who votes in favor of utility undergrounding in their neighborhood would have to pay an additional property tax surcharge, all of which would go to those who voted against undergrounding.

Red tile tax: Developers must pay a percentage of the sale price of every Spanish Colonial Revival home they build and sell, with all funds going to scholarship program to encourage young architects to design anything, anything else.

SUV tax: Every person registering a new SUV in the South Bay must pay into a special fund that compensates regular car owners for smashed side mirrors, scratched paint, cramped parking spaces and increased gas prices.

Two-on-a-lot tax: Developers who split lots into two or more condos must pay a percentage of their profits into a fund that develops open space for recreational use.

Win-win tax: Any politician who uses the phrase "win-win" in any context must pay into the campaign fund of his or her opponent in the next election.

New surfer tax: Novice surfers must pay a percentage of the cost of their first surfboard, with all revenue going into a fund to pay for mandatory surf etiquette training.

Kujo tax: Owners of all giant, purebred ego-dogs will pay an additional percentage of their license fee to fund animal rescue and pet adoption programs.

Mugshot tax: Real estate agents who fill more than one-third of their advertising space with their own portraits must pay into a special fund to publicize the benefits of "For Sale by Owner" transactions.

(March 14, 2006)

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