Drives a Hummer because he wants to crush the other vehicle in any accident, even if he's at fault.

Builds another story on his house – blocking the ocean view of the longtime residents behind him – because he fears that the neighbors in front of him may someday build a second story.

Never votes in local elections.

Listens to AM talk radio.

Doesn't let people merge.

Doesn't know any of his neighbors.

Watches Fox News.

Is the first person to complain about noisy leaf blowers.

Doesn't like seeing kids on skateboards.

Instinctively categorizes all hip hop and rap as advocating violence.

Consistently whines about "all those damn government regulations."

Supports local laws that favor residents over "outsiders."

Votes against every new tax, sight unseen.

Feels strongly that things would be better in the world if so many people would stop trying to be so different.

Thinks the real estate industry actually works for the greater good of the community.

Will vote for Mike Gordon.

Supports efforts to start a private high school in his city, even though the local public high school is one of the best in the state.

Frequently parks across two spaces in parking lots.

Attends gala fundraiser for several charitable organizations, but calls the police when he sees a homeless person on the street.

Has his children enrolled in Junior Lifeguards, music camp, surf camp, nature camp, tutoring and etiquette classes this summer, and still agonizes that they won't have enough to do.

Obsesses over his ocean view and yet hasn't been to the beach in years.

Likes to refer to the area where he lives as The Hill, and often calls others Flatlanders.

Still uses phrases such as "There's no life east of Sepulveda."

Occasionally smokes at the beach.

Frequently pours motor oil and other crap down the storm drains.

Still derisively refers to anyone who doesn't live in his city as a tourist.

Can't name all of cities that exist within six miles of his home.

Doesn't think local news is worth anything unless it mentions him or his family.

Complains about pass-through traffic going by his house and yet revels in her own set of shortcuts.

Is convinced that people from outside his city commit most of the crime.

Refers to himself as a local a little too often.

Spends a lot of time obsessing over the value of his home.

Prefers to ride his bicycle fastest on The Strand and bike paths around midday on sunny weekends.

(April 16, 2004)

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