by Garrison Frost

1. Once you realize that you have a flat tire – and it will take you an unbelievably long time to figure out what's wrong – move as quickly as you can to the rather wide right-hand shoulder.
2. Do not under any circumstances stop anywhere other than the right-hand shoulder. Don't worry about saving your tire – it was toast long before you realized you had a flat. And don't worry about the giant SUVs blocking the way – as big and tough-looking as the Excursion and Escalade may seem, their drivers are chickenshit about getting their paint scratched and will get out of your way.
3. Once you're stopped, get out and lean against the side of your car for a few minutes while you eye the cars going by. Sunglasses are really cool right now if you have them. Consider flipping someone off (as if they're going to stop).
4. Relax and take your time putting on your spare. Some people think it's cool to do this really fast, but it's even better to take an hour. You're in no hurry – getting a flat on the freeway is the "get out of jail free" excuse for being late in Los Angeles.
5. Loosen the lug nuts before you jack up the car.
6. Once the spare is on, don't bother merging back into freeway traffic. Instead, just go straight until you get to the Redondo Beach Boulevard offramp and just merge onto that. It's easier and, with your donut, you're taking surface streets home anyway.
7. Blast your angriest music and thank your lucky stars you didn't get the flat by the airport or on the 110 South approaching San Pedro. Besides, you just changed a tire on the freeway, making you a god among men!

(December 13, 2003)

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