In one case, the enemy wears dynamite and carries an AK-47. In the other, the enemy wears shorts that are too tight, dark socks, funny hats and T-shirts with dumb slogans on them.

"If the American public is afraid to leave their homes, then the terrorists win," as opposed to "If we let just anyone surf this break, then the tourists win."

The local Chamber of Commerce is unlikely to support terrorists, but quite often comes down on the side of the tourists.

Antagonists in the War on Terrorism rarely stop to buy postcards.

Protagonists in one war consist of the most highly trained and supported military and intelligence personnel in the world, while protagonists in the other are usually just bitter old-timers, teenagers, surfers, volleyball players and bar regulars.

The worst that can be said of terrorists is that they are common thugs with no respect for human life or their faith, who are willing to create untold misery for their own selfish reasons. The worst that can be said of tourists is that they're just not cool.

The weapons in one war consist of car bombs, guns, spy satellites and M-16s, while the weapons in the other war rarely go beyond dirty looks and eye-rolling.

Terrorists hate our way of life and want to destroy the peace we enjoy at home. Tourists find our way of life oddly appealing and speculate how much it would cost to move into our homes.

Terrorists crash airplanes into buildings. Tourists prefer to land airplanes more safely.

(Jan. 10, 2006)

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