By Garrison Frost

While opinions about the upcoming recall election in California vary about as much as the political spectrum itself, most agree that it will be a tremendous spectacle. At the center of this democratic revolution (or some would say, partisan maneuvering) is an unpopular governor at the helm of a state government gone seriously wrong. Thrown into that mix will be as many as 200 candidates from all sections of society. There's a movie star known for his accent and clever tough guy one-liners. There's a former wife of a Republican congressman who made her name on the public radio talk show circuit as a right-wing advocate before flipping and becoming something of a lefty. There are Greens, Libertarians and Independents. There is a legendary pornographer, a porn star and a famous billboard pinup in addition to a phalanx of C-level celebrities, business folks, auto mechanics, bar owners and other regular folks who felt like throwing away $3,500 for a souvenir gubernatorial ballot with their name on it. There are even a few of the usual politicians and businessmen-who-will-fix-things running. Talk radio is going bananas. The newspapers scream headlines each morning. Pundits have called the recall a revolt, a revolution, an insult and a circus. Some will say that Republicans are orchestrating the takeover of the last Democratic stronghold. Others will say that voters are taking back their government. It will all sound very dynamic and interesting. But don't let the rhetoric fool you.

The recall will be boring.

Let's take a look at Arnold Schwarzenegger, this uber-candidate whose endless star power is supposed to breathe new life into a political system long gone stale. Well, politics in this state must be stale if this piece of wood is being viewed as breathing life into it. Sure, Schwarzenegger has made some cool movies in his career, but let's face it, his star has been on the wane for some time. Does anyone remember "Collateral Damage," "The Sixth Day," "End of Days," "Batman & Robin," and "Eraser"? This guy was sliding faster than a cat on a greased metal roof before he recently tapped into his Terminator franchise to reinvigorate his lackluster career. And it didn't; the movie was mediocre and so was he. Frankly, for the last decade, it's been pretty sad seeing directors of so-called action movies deploy an army of stunt doubles for such death-defying acts as running up stairs and throwing a punch for their Austrian-born headliner. Arnold's big claim to fame in the recent version of the Terminator: showing his own ass. Well gee, if that's not an actor in his prime, then I don't know what is.

As for any political excitement that Schwarzenegger may drum up, the guy is much less "Terminator" and more "Junior," which is to say a twisted bland comedy deprived of any substantial meaning. Subtract this guy's syrupy rhetoric ("I came to this country with nothing ...) and you realize that this guy doesn't really have any political ideas that we couldn't think up ourselves in the shower. He's going to clean up government, not pander to the special interests, get things done, give government back to the people. If this isn't boring enough, he will go further by building his campaign on worn catch phrases that preteens got tired of using years ago. When was the last time you honestly thought it was funny or cool when somebody said "Hasta la vista, baby" or "I'll be back." Well, you're going to hear nothing but that for the next month and a half.

Competing with Schwarzenegger for the public's attention will be perhaps the least interesting politician in the history of the world: Gray Davis. This guy makes Walter Mondale seem like a barrel of monkeys. Moreover, this is a guy whose survival in politics has for years depended on his ability to put his opponents in his television commercials, usually to smear them. Well, Davis' is the only name on the recall ballot, which means that he's going to have to sell himself and his own ideas. This fact alone, coupled with the fact that Davis has tons of money to spend on television advertising, spells serious political narcolepsy. Really, Davis spelling out his accomplishments and plans for the future is going to have all the appeal of a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. By the time this thing is over, the public will by crying for the return of his mudslinging.

As for the other so-called legitimate candidates – Arianna Huffington, Cruz Bustamante, Tom McClintock, Bill Simon, Peter Ueberroth, Peter Camejo – they will spend their time trying to get attention. And really, there's nothing more boring than people trying to get attention.

Which brings us to the circus itself, the 200 or so random candidates in this free-for-all. This is really what people think will be interesting. But let's rethink this: if Larry Flynt, Gary Coleman, Gallagher and the rest of these people weren't interesting before, what makes us think they'll be interesting now? It's not as if any of these idiots were anywhere near the front page before. Sure, there is a kind of unseemly reality show quality to all of this. But hasn't the reality show been on the wane for a while? Perhaps I don't speak for everyone, but the circus of exploitative bad television was never all that interesting to begin with. Just to say that by turning California politics into a 50-day episode of public access television will make it more interesting doesn't mean that it will make it empirically more interesting. This motley crew will be little more than a grocery store magazine rack – overflowing with seemingly interesting headlines about sex, infidelity and flying saucers, but really just visual static that we instinctively ignore.

This recall will not just be boring to the highbrow intellectuals seeking substance and real political change. It will be boring to everyone who has long stopped going to see Schwarzenegger's movies and who change the channel when Entertainment Tonight features him opening another goddamn restaurant. It will be boring for people who voted for Gray Davis only to make him go away. It will be boring for people who are over Larry Flynt and the rest of the lame has-been celebrities who occasionally emerge from the ether of obscurity.

The recall will be tedious and annoying, and no matter what anyone says, from now until Oct. 7 will seem like a long, long time.

(August 13, 2003)

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