by Garrison Frost

Start with a fresh Manhattan Beach.

Roll out Manhattan Beach and pound smooth, making sure to eliminate all unique features and historical attributes. Stop pounding when you have a completely homogenous whole.

Sift Largely White Population until even more white, then sift again for additional whiteness. Slowly add Largely White Population From Outside City. Mix both populations in bowl with Manhattan Beach. Add Real Estate Boom and Real Estate Agents and Developers until McMansions begin to form and the rest of the mixture is prohibitively expensive. Set aside.

In a separate bowl, whisk together City Council, School Board, City Employees, Chamber of Commerce, Local Service Clubs, and the leadership of Little League and AYSO. Set over moderate heat until individuals who are "not on board" rise to the surface and form film on top. Remove this film and discard.

Bring two Upscale Retail Experiences to a boil in a large pot and add equal measures Starbucks, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Noah's Bagels and Peet's. With a serving spoon, carefully pick out any local, non-chain establishments and discard. Add BMWs, Audis and whatever SUVs you can find in the garden. Slowly add other mixtures and lower heat to simmer.

While this is simmering, finely chop Elitism and mix in bowl with a Fear of Strangers and Hostility. Mix using a hand mixer set at medium until peaks form, then add Traffic and Parking Meters. Add to large pot.

Bake entire mixture under Hot Sunny Days for one summer, then pour over Clean Downtown and Characterless Residential Areas. Remove all Memory of How Things Used to Be.

Presto, you have Newport Beach.

(April 6, 2006)

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